I learned years ago that I most often engaged in controlling behaviours when I was most fearful of the consequences of my loved one's actions.

The first step of Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) is "We admitted we were powerless over OTHERS and our lives had become unmanageable." This unmanageability concerns our interior life even more than our circumstances. The serenity prayer starts with asking for serenity to accept what we cannot change.

Changing ourselves is often more than we can accomplish. We simply can NOT change others. With any luck, we can influence them.