I've noticed this in the past several months. I could do dishes without listening to podcasts. I could let my mind wander. It's almost as if I absolutely need to keep my mind full. I realize that this started in my teen years when I would use some kind of intellectual activity, usually studying, to avoid letting my mind wander to things I'd really rather not think about.

In my early 30s, my first husband and I went for marriage counselling. After one of the sessions, my "homework" was to sit still for 5 minutes without doing anything. After about two minutes, I realized exactly why I kept my mind as occupied as possible. I found my mind full of painful memories.

That was the last time in over a decade that I gave my mind space to wander. I went through a deep mental and emotional healing process in my late 30s. Now, in my 60s, keeping my mind crammed and crowded is more a habit than a necessity. I have let it wander while crocheting and it was restful, not painful.

Perhaps it's moved from habit to addiction because I find myself most unwilling to NOT keep my mind as occupied as possible. I don't know if I'm trying to avoid boredom or if there's something else going on. Is it because I find what's going on around me so uninteresting and uninspiring that I'd rather read Medium articles or articles I've saved to Pocket and Instapaper?

I don't want distraction for the sake of distraction. I'm not interested in scrolling through social media or wasting time with games that don't strengthen my mind. I like learning stuff and I'm always looking for new things I could learn and write about. That in itself isn't a problem. It's that I don't give my mind time to chill. I'm not sure why.